If you’re going to get support from your community, it’s really helpful to acknowledge that you understand that marriage is challenging as well as wonderful. Too many weddings focus only on the pleasure and not on the work of marriage. Too many people split up because they underestimate the work involved in making a live with someone else. And making it look magical and wonderful — that’s an exponential increase in effort. Most people will tell you it’s well worth your while, but it is hard work.
Tip: You want to let your community know that you admire the ways in which they have made their relationships flourish and that you will be needing their support so that you can thrive. You’re going to need them to listen to you and turn you around and shove you back towards home when times are tough. They’ve always supported you and that’s why you’re going to keep looking to them for guidance.
It’s helpful to talk at your wedding ceremony, particularly in the statement of support about why this particular community will be helpful to you as you enter marriage. Continue reading
The first part of a Statement of Support includes 2 pieces
- An acknowledgment that marriage is difficult, particularly now when so much mitigates against it. It takes a lot of dedication to make marriage work. Everyone enters marriage expecting it to work. But for all the fa-der-ol about the “sanctity” of marriage, it doesn’t have a lot of importance or support in the real world.
- An acknowledgment of the importance of community to a wedding couple.The facts are in. Couples do better when their community supports them and this important relationship. The more specific a couple can be about why their relationship is important to them in the wedding, the better able a community is to support that marriage in the future.
Tip: Explain the important role that communities make in keep marriages sound. You’re going to ask people for support. Let them know why it matters. They’re more likely to step up to the task. End result? Closer friends and a better marriage!
This is a piece of the wedding that every ceremony ought to have but few do. Bottom line, marriages that are grounded in community do better. If you tell your community you want their support, they’re going to be more conscious about giving it to you. Continue reading
You’re getting married and you’ve invited these amazing people to your wedding. You’ve brought together the most important people from your two lives to witness your wedding vows and celebrate your movement into marriage.
- Who are they?
- What do they mean to you?
- What do you want them to do today?
- What do you want them to remember about Love and Marriage?
One of the most wonderful things that happens at a wedding is that somebody”s Aunt Jane gets to meet your best friend’s wife because they have so much in common. Getting that bonding happening is building bridges for your marriage. Those bridges will serve you throughout your marriage. You want your community to mingle. You want them to remember the important ways in which love has changed their lives. You want them to know how important they all are to you.
Tip: Take the time to tell your community why they’re important to you. And then tell them what you’re offering them at your wedding: a chance for the most important people in both your lives to meet, greet and get acquainted — all while having a great time!
What is marriage? Why have you decided to commit your lives to one another in this way? In the Invocation the first thing you want to talk about is
History: You are not the first people to stand hand and hand with your beloved before your community. This is not the first community to gather to witness. Your wedding is one in the long tail of history. As you stand today, so shall others stand tomorrow.
There is amazing strength in history’s sweep. Even if your marriage does not look just like everyone else’s (hint: no one marriage looks like everyone else’s)., you want to tap into the power of history.
If you believe in marriage equality, this is a good place to state that belief: saying that you believe in the importance of the free access to legal marriage for all people.
Tip: Proudly claim your place as people seeking your community’s support as you declare your promises to live together in love.
OK, The Wedding Priestess will acknowledge right off that there’s a fine line here. I am not advocating one of those made-for-tv-mini-series where Bride and Groom Zilla abuse their community and demand that everyone do it “their way.”
And what I’m suggesting still has a price tag. You’re going to spend money on your wedding. You’re still going to have to manage a budget.
But your wedding can also be an investment in the future of your community. The more your community is drawn in, the more they participate in the making of the wedding; the more likely they are to participate in the growth of the marriage.
Not everyone is going to want to make their wedding gift an activity or a service. But some will. Some will love finding ways to participate with you. There’s uncertainty to live with. You’ll never know what everything is going to look like day of or what’s going to happen, but it’ll be great. Your community will enjoy it — and so will you. (You are going to have to work on the meaning of the ceremony and the wedding vows so that people know they’re participating in something that makes a difference!)
This is only viable if you are people who are understood to invest in your communities.
Tip: consider a community wedding, where the emphasis is on the people in your lives and your desire for them to witness your vows and celebrate together. And then see what kind of wedding magic you can make together.
Last night when I should have been sleeping, I was trolling msnbc.com (a new unfortunate habit!) and wound up watching the President’s speech to journalists.
President Obama was riffing (which is fairly amusing to see) about himself, his gorgeous wife, Democrats and Republicans. He then made a joke about one of his advisors. He said, “yep when he and I got together, he said let’s do what so many partners are doing. Let’s go to Iowa and make it official.”
Your President and mine, making a joke that acknowledges gay marriage in an approving way! Your President and mine unafraid to create a vision of himself as a guy with a male partner! That’s progress that we need.
Tip: You heard it here first, middle and last.
- Gay marriage is not what’s causing problems in heterosexual marriages.
- There is not too much love in the world.
- There are not too many stable families in our communities.
- It’s time to stop working to keep people out of marriage and time to start trying to keep people in them.
Gay marriage, their right, our responsibility. Straight marriage? Same deal.
Good on Barack!
There’s one last area that will build community support for your marriage:
Your Post Wedding Behavior!
Offer your community opportunities to participate in your life. Plan parties and picnics and work projects. Make them a piece of who you are and what you do.
And then, let people understand how you’re living into your vows by the way you deal with one another. People are seduced by couples who treat one another with respect and affection. Do things you enjoy doing together and revel in one another’s company. Keep finding new things you like doing. Or perfect the old things!
Tip: Your community really wants you to succeed at your marriage. Why not let them help? Help them help you by showing them what a great relationship you are growing and nurturing.
There are lots of reasons to stay focused on the wedding ceremony at your wedding. One of those is that if you’ve seen the ceremony as the highpoint, the reception can be all about having fun. (Translation: you’ve exhaled!)
You’ve had a good time, you were conscious during your wedding ceremony which allows your love for one another be visible to your community. That encourages your community to be excited about what you’re undertaking: “Look at them, they’re so comfortable, it must be the right thing.” That unspoken belief engages people far more deeply in the success of your marriage.
So what’s another way to capture your community’s support?
Tip: Be joyous about your marriage. Move through your crowd alone and together, offering your excitement not just about your wedding day but also about the marriage you have created.